Depression

My family and friends have always told me, “Oh, you definitely have ADHD.” I’m not inclined to diagnosis shopping, so I’ve just assumed that’s what it was and ignored it.

Recently, though, my disinterest in mostly everything and lack of focus has been worse, and it’s affected my mood and my overall well-being. I decided to see if there was anything to be done about it.

I spent four hours at an intake screening for ADHD. Two hours of interview and two hours of testing. The person running the tests said that the doctor wanted to “include a few additional tests, so it might take a little longer.” Fine with me.

It felt like an IQ test. Lots of “What’s the next shape in this series?”. There was word associations and vocabulary questions. I even had to organize blocks to match printed patterns.

At the follow up appointment a few weeks later, he informed me that it’s not ADHD at all. What I suffer from is Major Depressive Disorder.

So…depression, then.

He said that during the entire interview he was mentally checking off boxes in the “depression” column.

This was a surprise to me, at first. I mean, I don’t feel sad or (what I thought of as) depressed. I don’t have trouble getting out of bed or anything. Didn’t sound like depression to me, but then he started pointing out some of the things I had said and how they relate to depression, and it began to make sense. It’s not just about feeling sad. One doesn’t need a “reason” to be depressed.

When I asked the doctor about my ADHD-like symptoms, he told me that it was early in the process, but, “Testing shows you’re very bright. Your brain wants things to do, but the depression prevents you from maintaining interest, so you bounce around a lot. This must be frustrating.” Indeed!

I haven’t liked the way I’ve felt for years. My brain hasn’t been behaving, but I assumed it was normal for me, and did my best to ignore it. A diagnosis has helped me put a framework around it all.

Anyway, he put me on some medication and I’m going to therapy.

Why am I telling you this? I’m not sure. Probably because writing in public helps me get my head around it.